Last night, I had a dream that I was married to Loki. It was the Tom Hiddleston, Avengers Loki, but still, it was Him. He was very kind and a good man, albeit mischievous. He was the way that I always picture Him and the way I pictured him.
The part that made me wonder was if I was me in the dream or if I was Sigyn?
Sigyn means "victorious girl-friend". It is something that I always strive to be, but hey, we are only human. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose...
It is something I have been struggling with a lot lately. I feel like I should be able to be there for everyone and do everything my family needs me to do. I organize this, arrange that, clean this, mend that, don't forget this appointment! I hold the bowl keeping the venom off of my family.
Like Sigyn, there are times that I feel the bowl get too full and the poison drip out. I have mentioned before that I have been going through some medical stuff. My upcoming trip to the rheumatologist has been weighing heavy on my mind and the implications of what I may hear and what effects they will have on my family are always on my mind. You try not to worry too much, but you know, plan for the worst and it won't happen.
I get depressed. I get depressed because I am in constant pain and I can't do all the things I want to. I want to be able to run and play, to clean the house up the way it needs, to be able to go out and hang out with others. I succeed at times, but when it is bad, I stay home and try my best to put on a happy face. When I feel like I can't do what is needed of me, I get depressed again. It is a circle.
Sometimes, when things are good, I am able to hold that bowl high and take the pain away from those I love. I am able to divert the poisons of life for awhile.
It is the times that I feel the tilt starting that worry me. I am also worried that at some point, the bowl will get too heavy for me to hold.
The analogy and the dream came at a perfect time and put some insight into how I have been feeling and what I am going through. I don't talk about it alot to people because I don't want them to worry. But, like when Sigyn moves the bowl, the earth shakes. Maybe I need to let the earth shake a bit at times.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
The Crying Clown
I try my best to keep a face of laughter and happiness. Most of the time, it is completely genuine. But, like all of us, there is a time to put on the mask and play the role. Is it because it is easier for others if you are that way, or because it is easier to hide the true you at those points? Sometimes, trying to explain what you are feeling and how you hurt is too much trouble. People can tell you they understand, but you really can't. You can listen and estimate how a person feels, but you can't know. You are not them. You can be sympathetic, but even if you were there at the exact same time, you can't know.
I have been going through alot lately that has made the mask come out more and more. Things to do with my past, things that bring up mixed emotions in me, but they are what make other people happy. I don't want to be the downer, so I put on the mask and smile. Inside, the feelings churn, the tears flow. I eat the shit.
Why them? Why not me? I dreamed for so long, these dreams sustained me. These dreams are now hollow, rotted. But people who do so much less get theirs and most are not even appreciative. They blow them off like they are an inconvenience. Others prayed for that. Others used that as their light at the end of a very long tunnel.
Be grateful for what you have. You can whine and you can moan, but deep down, never take things for granted. You may think it is nothing, but for someone, it is everything.
There is a lot I have to deal with, I am dealing with. So, you may see me laughing, but see that the smile doesn't show in my eyes. It is not you. I am happy for you. It is my way of dealing with pain. But, tears are water and shit is manure. Beautiful things grow from manure and water.
I have been going through alot lately that has made the mask come out more and more. Things to do with my past, things that bring up mixed emotions in me, but they are what make other people happy. I don't want to be the downer, so I put on the mask and smile. Inside, the feelings churn, the tears flow. I eat the shit.
Why them? Why not me? I dreamed for so long, these dreams sustained me. These dreams are now hollow, rotted. But people who do so much less get theirs and most are not even appreciative. They blow them off like they are an inconvenience. Others prayed for that. Others used that as their light at the end of a very long tunnel.
Be grateful for what you have. You can whine and you can moan, but deep down, never take things for granted. You may think it is nothing, but for someone, it is everything.
There is a lot I have to deal with, I am dealing with. So, you may see me laughing, but see that the smile doesn't show in my eyes. It is not you. I am happy for you. It is my way of dealing with pain. But, tears are water and shit is manure. Beautiful things grow from manure and water.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Ask and Ye Shall Receive!
Of course, the Gods are laughing at me and can't make it easy...
I get all these little notes and messages about a big announcement I have been waiting for will happen today. Sweet, maybe the doctor will finally call!
Well, yes, yes they did. Right after I punch in for work. I try to sneak to call them back and have to keep hanging up. I hope they don't have caller ID because I must have called them five times. I finally get a hold of them and it is just as bad as being home with a kid in the house. People yelling and talking and I am trying to listen to what may be very, very important news. I get somewhat what I needed to hear and hang up.
It is my break and I decide I should really know what they said. So, I call them back and leave a message. When do they call back? When I get back from my break... So, I am sitting huddled in a closet writing my test results on a box with a pencil.
Yes, and we wonder why I end up at the doctor's when this is how I handle things.
Now, to find a new PCP and get a referral to a rheumatologist. It was one of the diagnoses that was like the old SNL sketch, "This is something, this is nothing." This is positive, but it could be nothing. This is negative, but it could be something. Basically, we will see what we see and that is when we will worry about it.
Why can't They ever make things straight forward? Just once, guys?
I get all these little notes and messages about a big announcement I have been waiting for will happen today. Sweet, maybe the doctor will finally call!
Well, yes, yes they did. Right after I punch in for work. I try to sneak to call them back and have to keep hanging up. I hope they don't have caller ID because I must have called them five times. I finally get a hold of them and it is just as bad as being home with a kid in the house. People yelling and talking and I am trying to listen to what may be very, very important news. I get somewhat what I needed to hear and hang up.
It is my break and I decide I should really know what they said. So, I call them back and leave a message. When do they call back? When I get back from my break... So, I am sitting huddled in a closet writing my test results on a box with a pencil.
Yes, and we wonder why I end up at the doctor's when this is how I handle things.
Now, to find a new PCP and get a referral to a rheumatologist. It was one of the diagnoses that was like the old SNL sketch, "This is something, this is nothing." This is positive, but it could be nothing. This is negative, but it could be something. Basically, we will see what we see and that is when we will worry about it.
Why can't They ever make things straight forward? Just once, guys?
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
As the Prophet Thomas of Petty once said...
Waiting is the hardest part. I wrote earlier about going to the doctor and waiting for blood work results to come back. Well, still waiting. It has been both a good and bad thing.
I am trying to see things from both sides. If it is positive, my life will be pretty much the same as it is now, but with a label to it. If that label will hang over my head remains to be seen. I am not sure it will change anything. I have been living with this all along, so that won't change. What I am more worried about is perceptions. I suddenly have An Illness. It is no longer some vague ache and pain. You can't be accused of faking it. You have This.
Well, I always did. It won't change who I am or who I was. If anything, it makes things more clear and gives me a direction. Throwing punches in the dark is frustrating and tiring. Having an official word means I now know my opponent and I can figure out how to beat things.
The other positive - cool ass medical shit that goes with it. I mean, dude! All the stuff I played with, I might be able to get legit! The mind boggles.
So, here we sit. The phone looks at me and mocks me. I will still get up every morning and keep on keeping on. Whatever they say, one thing is for sure. I have already decided that whatever they say, positive or negative, it is not getting the best of me and it is not going to stop me.
Docs, bring it.
I am trying to see things from both sides. If it is positive, my life will be pretty much the same as it is now, but with a label to it. If that label will hang over my head remains to be seen. I am not sure it will change anything. I have been living with this all along, so that won't change. What I am more worried about is perceptions. I suddenly have An Illness. It is no longer some vague ache and pain. You can't be accused of faking it. You have This.
Well, I always did. It won't change who I am or who I was. If anything, it makes things more clear and gives me a direction. Throwing punches in the dark is frustrating and tiring. Having an official word means I now know my opponent and I can figure out how to beat things.
The other positive - cool ass medical shit that goes with it. I mean, dude! All the stuff I played with, I might be able to get legit! The mind boggles.
So, here we sit. The phone looks at me and mocks me. I will still get up every morning and keep on keeping on. Whatever they say, one thing is for sure. I have already decided that whatever they say, positive or negative, it is not getting the best of me and it is not going to stop me.
Docs, bring it.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Dr. Hermes, MD
I hate going to the doctor. Why? Because I put it off and put it off and when I finally go, I get the lecture about how I should have come in sooner. Why didn't I come in sooner? See above...
I can't see the purpose until limbs start falling off and the duct tape is just not holding anymore. I have to get to the point where my body finally says, "Yeah, you are done. Dropping in 3...2...1... *thud*
That is my body's way of telling me that I need help. That is also Hermes' way of telling me that I need help. You know, "I will show you the way to this place so I don't have to show you the way to the other place..." He is the Trickster also, a god good at putting others in their place and reminding others of where their place is... Listen to Him now and stay on this side of the Elysian Fields, or ignore him and He will personally escort you home.
So, now, we wait. Ironic, really. They help guide me to finally going to the Doctor, where I have to wait for my results, but none of them are really known for their patience. Thanks, guys.
I can't see the purpose until limbs start falling off and the duct tape is just not holding anymore. I have to get to the point where my body finally says, "Yeah, you are done. Dropping in 3...2...1... *thud*
That is my body's way of telling me that I need help. That is also Hermes' way of telling me that I need help. You know, "I will show you the way to this place so I don't have to show you the way to the other place..." He is the Trickster also, a god good at putting others in their place and reminding others of where their place is... Listen to Him now and stay on this side of the Elysian Fields, or ignore him and He will personally escort you home.
So, now, we wait. Ironic, really. They help guide me to finally going to the Doctor, where I have to wait for my results, but none of them are really known for their patience. Thanks, guys.
Friday, October 19, 2012
The Doctor is in...
...my group of Tricksters! I love it!
I was reading an article about Tricksters in society and I am ecstatic to see that along with characters like Bart Simpson (I don't really consider him one of the gang. He is more of a prankster.), they included Jack Sparrow (my apologies, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow), Q, The Doctor, and Han Solo!
Given the fact that Tricksters are often treated with caution (or aversion), it is awesome to see that some of the characters that people absolutely love and emulate are all Trickster archetypes! They throw convention to the wind and show us that we are all bad and good, capable of rising to great heights, then slipping on that banana peel and falling on our faces. The rebels that do what they want, stick it to the Man and think outside the box, that is the character that people love! But you mention Trickster to them and you can hear the collective slamming of sphincters. No! Not them! We don't like THEM!
What is the fear in letting yourself enjoy the company of the slightly nuts? Standing on ceremony and being told what to do and how to do it gets old. We all long for a freedom that we can't always have. We turn to others who can do that. We want to be those people and be able to put others in their place and live a live of freedom on our terms. But we accept it in our pop culture, but why can't we accept it in our Divine?
Coyote? No! Pan? No!!! Loki, Kokopelli, Anasazi, Hermes? No, No, No! We don't want to work with their kind!
Captain Jack Sparrow? Oh, he is great! The Doctor? I can't wait to run off in the TARDIS! They can't be the same as that other lot.
Can they???
I was reading an article about Tricksters in society and I am ecstatic to see that along with characters like Bart Simpson (I don't really consider him one of the gang. He is more of a prankster.), they included Jack Sparrow (my apologies, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow), Q, The Doctor, and Han Solo!
Given the fact that Tricksters are often treated with caution (or aversion), it is awesome to see that some of the characters that people absolutely love and emulate are all Trickster archetypes! They throw convention to the wind and show us that we are all bad and good, capable of rising to great heights, then slipping on that banana peel and falling on our faces. The rebels that do what they want, stick it to the Man and think outside the box, that is the character that people love! But you mention Trickster to them and you can hear the collective slamming of sphincters. No! Not them! We don't like THEM!
What is the fear in letting yourself enjoy the company of the slightly nuts? Standing on ceremony and being told what to do and how to do it gets old. We all long for a freedom that we can't always have. We turn to others who can do that. We want to be those people and be able to put others in their place and live a live of freedom on our terms. But we accept it in our pop culture, but why can't we accept it in our Divine?
Coyote? No! Pan? No!!! Loki, Kokopelli, Anasazi, Hermes? No, No, No! We don't want to work with their kind!
Captain Jack Sparrow? Oh, he is great! The Doctor? I can't wait to run off in the TARDIS! They can't be the same as that other lot.
Can they???
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Pain in the Asgard?
*Warning - this post contains pro-Norse Tricksters, so anyone with a sensitivity to his name being mentioned, well, guess what, I'm going to do it anyway.
I like Loki. I have always had an affinity for the poor guy. He has a place on my altar and a place in my heart. One, well, he is a trickster and that automatically gets you in the door. Two, most people seem to have an aversion to the guy and makes him a tragic figure. Granted, the tragedy is often by his own making, but still... I feel for the guy.
Come on, the dude is a mom and a dad. You can't beat that with a stick. Try it.
We just watched the Avengers movie and although I absolutely loved it, I still felt bad for Loki. But in the same token, I see his brilliance. He is the god of lies. So, we think that he is defeated, we think one thing about him and he shows us another - the hallmark of a great Trickster.
We think he is a coward, and he shows us he is a great helper to the gods. When he is redeemed, he does something to twist it. He is a comic and tragic being, one that shows us the nature of the Gods and of humanity.
Like him or hate him, I think I have my Samhain costume for this year!
I like Loki. I have always had an affinity for the poor guy. He has a place on my altar and a place in my heart. One, well, he is a trickster and that automatically gets you in the door. Two, most people seem to have an aversion to the guy and makes him a tragic figure. Granted, the tragedy is often by his own making, but still... I feel for the guy.
Come on, the dude is a mom and a dad. You can't beat that with a stick. Try it.
We just watched the Avengers movie and although I absolutely loved it, I still felt bad for Loki. But in the same token, I see his brilliance. He is the god of lies. So, we think that he is defeated, we think one thing about him and he shows us another - the hallmark of a great Trickster.
We think he is a coward, and he shows us he is a great helper to the gods. When he is redeemed, he does something to twist it. He is a comic and tragic being, one that shows us the nature of the Gods and of humanity.
Like him or hate him, I think I have my Samhain costume for this year!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Choosing Pizza with the Gods
It has finally happened. I have given in to the cosmic peer pressure and started their blog for them. Notice, I said THEIR blog. I already had a personal one started and it really never took off. Lately, I have been wanting to find somewhat to express myself again. I used to make tons of things, but circumstances have curtailed that a bit. I have never been a great writer, but I feel like I can write what I am thinking a lot better than I can verbally express it.
Then come the tricksters. My patrons are primarily Tricksters. The two who starting throwing the pebbles at the wasps nest on this one are Coyote and Fox, or as they are more affectionately know, Kit and Pup. They are always there in the background, the voice in the back of my head, occasionally the frat boys who egg on my stupid decisions, the ones that snicker when I say something I probably should have rethought and put someone in their place, and the ones that laugh their asses off when I get put in mine.
They decided that I needed to blog. It could be a fear of writing since so many people I know write beautifully and in my opinion, a hell of a lot better than I do. It could be because they know that as much as I thrive on chaos, I also like a touch of something grounded and real to turn to. It could be because they are huge attention hogs. Who's gonna tell me? Them? Good luck with that.
So, after much thought and discussion amongst the three of us, the blog is born. I introduce you to the Kit and Pup Power Hour! The name came to me in a dream and I couldn't help but think that it was perfect - snarky, slightly obnoxious, just like us!
Now, the theme... oh. my. gods. You know that feeling when you are completely in sync with someone and you can't believe how well things are going? Every obstacle clears out and all you can see is open road and progress? Then order a pizza together. *SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!* Yeah, it was like that. It is a dang pic that most likely maybe two people will see!
Now, it is all said and done and we begin. I can't guarantee it will make sense to anyone else other than myself and them, but I know that I am kinda excited to find out.
Then come the tricksters. My patrons are primarily Tricksters. The two who starting throwing the pebbles at the wasps nest on this one are Coyote and Fox, or as they are more affectionately know, Kit and Pup. They are always there in the background, the voice in the back of my head, occasionally the frat boys who egg on my stupid decisions, the ones that snicker when I say something I probably should have rethought and put someone in their place, and the ones that laugh their asses off when I get put in mine.
They decided that I needed to blog. It could be a fear of writing since so many people I know write beautifully and in my opinion, a hell of a lot better than I do. It could be because they know that as much as I thrive on chaos, I also like a touch of something grounded and real to turn to. It could be because they are huge attention hogs. Who's gonna tell me? Them? Good luck with that.
So, after much thought and discussion amongst the three of us, the blog is born. I introduce you to the Kit and Pup Power Hour! The name came to me in a dream and I couldn't help but think that it was perfect - snarky, slightly obnoxious, just like us!
Now, the theme... oh. my. gods. You know that feeling when you are completely in sync with someone and you can't believe how well things are going? Every obstacle clears out and all you can see is open road and progress? Then order a pizza together. *SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!* Yeah, it was like that. It is a dang pic that most likely maybe two people will see!
Now, it is all said and done and we begin. I can't guarantee it will make sense to anyone else other than myself and them, but I know that I am kinda excited to find out.
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