I try my best to keep a face of laughter and happiness. Most of the time, it is completely genuine. But, like all of us, there is a time to put on the mask and play the role. Is it because it is easier for others if you are that way, or because it is easier to hide the true you at those points? Sometimes, trying to explain what you are feeling and how you hurt is too much trouble. People can tell you they understand, but you really can't. You can listen and estimate how a person feels, but you can't know. You are not them. You can be sympathetic, but even if you were there at the exact same time, you can't know.
I have been going through alot lately that has made the mask come out more and more. Things to do with my past, things that bring up mixed emotions in me, but they are what make other people happy. I don't want to be the downer, so I put on the mask and smile. Inside, the feelings churn, the tears flow. I eat the shit.
Why them? Why not me? I dreamed for so long, these dreams sustained me. These dreams are now hollow, rotted. But people who do so much less get theirs and most are not even appreciative. They blow them off like they are an inconvenience. Others prayed for that. Others used that as their light at the end of a very long tunnel.
Be grateful for what you have. You can whine and you can moan, but deep down, never take things for granted. You may think it is nothing, but for someone, it is everything.
There is a lot I have to deal with, I am dealing with. So, you may see me laughing, but see that the smile doesn't show in my eyes. It is not you. I am happy for you. It is my way of dealing with pain. But, tears are water and shit is manure. Beautiful things grow from manure and water.
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