I am finally back to blogging. A big stumbling block in all of it was we lost internet. Hard to maintain an online journal when you can't get there. But, that is all in the past and we are focusing on moving forward!
A lot of things have happened that I will not bore you with. Truth is, some of what has happened I can't even make sense of. So, why bother? Moving forward is the new plan in my life. Leave behind the past, thank it for what it has to teach me, but don't live there anymore. I spent too much of my life there. I don't like the neighborhood and I am moving on up to that deluxe apartment in the sky!
I hope to get on here more frequently now. I am not promising anything though. As Kit and Pup would tell me, life is for living, so go live it. You can yammer about it later.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Pass the bowl, lady!
Last night, I had a dream that I was married to Loki. It was the Tom Hiddleston, Avengers Loki, but still, it was Him. He was very kind and a good man, albeit mischievous. He was the way that I always picture Him and the way I pictured him.
The part that made me wonder was if I was me in the dream or if I was Sigyn?
Sigyn means "victorious girl-friend". It is something that I always strive to be, but hey, we are only human. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose...
It is something I have been struggling with a lot lately. I feel like I should be able to be there for everyone and do everything my family needs me to do. I organize this, arrange that, clean this, mend that, don't forget this appointment! I hold the bowl keeping the venom off of my family.
Like Sigyn, there are times that I feel the bowl get too full and the poison drip out. I have mentioned before that I have been going through some medical stuff. My upcoming trip to the rheumatologist has been weighing heavy on my mind and the implications of what I may hear and what effects they will have on my family are always on my mind. You try not to worry too much, but you know, plan for the worst and it won't happen.
I get depressed. I get depressed because I am in constant pain and I can't do all the things I want to. I want to be able to run and play, to clean the house up the way it needs, to be able to go out and hang out with others. I succeed at times, but when it is bad, I stay home and try my best to put on a happy face. When I feel like I can't do what is needed of me, I get depressed again. It is a circle.
Sometimes, when things are good, I am able to hold that bowl high and take the pain away from those I love. I am able to divert the poisons of life for awhile.
It is the times that I feel the tilt starting that worry me. I am also worried that at some point, the bowl will get too heavy for me to hold.
The analogy and the dream came at a perfect time and put some insight into how I have been feeling and what I am going through. I don't talk about it alot to people because I don't want them to worry. But, like when Sigyn moves the bowl, the earth shakes. Maybe I need to let the earth shake a bit at times.
The part that made me wonder was if I was me in the dream or if I was Sigyn?
Sigyn means "victorious girl-friend". It is something that I always strive to be, but hey, we are only human. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose...
It is something I have been struggling with a lot lately. I feel like I should be able to be there for everyone and do everything my family needs me to do. I organize this, arrange that, clean this, mend that, don't forget this appointment! I hold the bowl keeping the venom off of my family.
Like Sigyn, there are times that I feel the bowl get too full and the poison drip out. I have mentioned before that I have been going through some medical stuff. My upcoming trip to the rheumatologist has been weighing heavy on my mind and the implications of what I may hear and what effects they will have on my family are always on my mind. You try not to worry too much, but you know, plan for the worst and it won't happen.
I get depressed. I get depressed because I am in constant pain and I can't do all the things I want to. I want to be able to run and play, to clean the house up the way it needs, to be able to go out and hang out with others. I succeed at times, but when it is bad, I stay home and try my best to put on a happy face. When I feel like I can't do what is needed of me, I get depressed again. It is a circle.
Sometimes, when things are good, I am able to hold that bowl high and take the pain away from those I love. I am able to divert the poisons of life for awhile.
It is the times that I feel the tilt starting that worry me. I am also worried that at some point, the bowl will get too heavy for me to hold.
The analogy and the dream came at a perfect time and put some insight into how I have been feeling and what I am going through. I don't talk about it alot to people because I don't want them to worry. But, like when Sigyn moves the bowl, the earth shakes. Maybe I need to let the earth shake a bit at times.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
The Crying Clown
I try my best to keep a face of laughter and happiness. Most of the time, it is completely genuine. But, like all of us, there is a time to put on the mask and play the role. Is it because it is easier for others if you are that way, or because it is easier to hide the true you at those points? Sometimes, trying to explain what you are feeling and how you hurt is too much trouble. People can tell you they understand, but you really can't. You can listen and estimate how a person feels, but you can't know. You are not them. You can be sympathetic, but even if you were there at the exact same time, you can't know.
I have been going through alot lately that has made the mask come out more and more. Things to do with my past, things that bring up mixed emotions in me, but they are what make other people happy. I don't want to be the downer, so I put on the mask and smile. Inside, the feelings churn, the tears flow. I eat the shit.
Why them? Why not me? I dreamed for so long, these dreams sustained me. These dreams are now hollow, rotted. But people who do so much less get theirs and most are not even appreciative. They blow them off like they are an inconvenience. Others prayed for that. Others used that as their light at the end of a very long tunnel.
Be grateful for what you have. You can whine and you can moan, but deep down, never take things for granted. You may think it is nothing, but for someone, it is everything.
There is a lot I have to deal with, I am dealing with. So, you may see me laughing, but see that the smile doesn't show in my eyes. It is not you. I am happy for you. It is my way of dealing with pain. But, tears are water and shit is manure. Beautiful things grow from manure and water.
I have been going through alot lately that has made the mask come out more and more. Things to do with my past, things that bring up mixed emotions in me, but they are what make other people happy. I don't want to be the downer, so I put on the mask and smile. Inside, the feelings churn, the tears flow. I eat the shit.
Why them? Why not me? I dreamed for so long, these dreams sustained me. These dreams are now hollow, rotted. But people who do so much less get theirs and most are not even appreciative. They blow them off like they are an inconvenience. Others prayed for that. Others used that as their light at the end of a very long tunnel.
Be grateful for what you have. You can whine and you can moan, but deep down, never take things for granted. You may think it is nothing, but for someone, it is everything.
There is a lot I have to deal with, I am dealing with. So, you may see me laughing, but see that the smile doesn't show in my eyes. It is not you. I am happy for you. It is my way of dealing with pain. But, tears are water and shit is manure. Beautiful things grow from manure and water.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Ask and Ye Shall Receive!
Of course, the Gods are laughing at me and can't make it easy...
I get all these little notes and messages about a big announcement I have been waiting for will happen today. Sweet, maybe the doctor will finally call!
Well, yes, yes they did. Right after I punch in for work. I try to sneak to call them back and have to keep hanging up. I hope they don't have caller ID because I must have called them five times. I finally get a hold of them and it is just as bad as being home with a kid in the house. People yelling and talking and I am trying to listen to what may be very, very important news. I get somewhat what I needed to hear and hang up.
It is my break and I decide I should really know what they said. So, I call them back and leave a message. When do they call back? When I get back from my break... So, I am sitting huddled in a closet writing my test results on a box with a pencil.
Yes, and we wonder why I end up at the doctor's when this is how I handle things.
Now, to find a new PCP and get a referral to a rheumatologist. It was one of the diagnoses that was like the old SNL sketch, "This is something, this is nothing." This is positive, but it could be nothing. This is negative, but it could be something. Basically, we will see what we see and that is when we will worry about it.
Why can't They ever make things straight forward? Just once, guys?
I get all these little notes and messages about a big announcement I have been waiting for will happen today. Sweet, maybe the doctor will finally call!
Well, yes, yes they did. Right after I punch in for work. I try to sneak to call them back and have to keep hanging up. I hope they don't have caller ID because I must have called them five times. I finally get a hold of them and it is just as bad as being home with a kid in the house. People yelling and talking and I am trying to listen to what may be very, very important news. I get somewhat what I needed to hear and hang up.
It is my break and I decide I should really know what they said. So, I call them back and leave a message. When do they call back? When I get back from my break... So, I am sitting huddled in a closet writing my test results on a box with a pencil.
Yes, and we wonder why I end up at the doctor's when this is how I handle things.
Now, to find a new PCP and get a referral to a rheumatologist. It was one of the diagnoses that was like the old SNL sketch, "This is something, this is nothing." This is positive, but it could be nothing. This is negative, but it could be something. Basically, we will see what we see and that is when we will worry about it.
Why can't They ever make things straight forward? Just once, guys?
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
As the Prophet Thomas of Petty once said...
Waiting is the hardest part. I wrote earlier about going to the doctor and waiting for blood work results to come back. Well, still waiting. It has been both a good and bad thing.
I am trying to see things from both sides. If it is positive, my life will be pretty much the same as it is now, but with a label to it. If that label will hang over my head remains to be seen. I am not sure it will change anything. I have been living with this all along, so that won't change. What I am more worried about is perceptions. I suddenly have An Illness. It is no longer some vague ache and pain. You can't be accused of faking it. You have This.
Well, I always did. It won't change who I am or who I was. If anything, it makes things more clear and gives me a direction. Throwing punches in the dark is frustrating and tiring. Having an official word means I now know my opponent and I can figure out how to beat things.
The other positive - cool ass medical shit that goes with it. I mean, dude! All the stuff I played with, I might be able to get legit! The mind boggles.
So, here we sit. The phone looks at me and mocks me. I will still get up every morning and keep on keeping on. Whatever they say, one thing is for sure. I have already decided that whatever they say, positive or negative, it is not getting the best of me and it is not going to stop me.
Docs, bring it.
I am trying to see things from both sides. If it is positive, my life will be pretty much the same as it is now, but with a label to it. If that label will hang over my head remains to be seen. I am not sure it will change anything. I have been living with this all along, so that won't change. What I am more worried about is perceptions. I suddenly have An Illness. It is no longer some vague ache and pain. You can't be accused of faking it. You have This.
Well, I always did. It won't change who I am or who I was. If anything, it makes things more clear and gives me a direction. Throwing punches in the dark is frustrating and tiring. Having an official word means I now know my opponent and I can figure out how to beat things.
The other positive - cool ass medical shit that goes with it. I mean, dude! All the stuff I played with, I might be able to get legit! The mind boggles.
So, here we sit. The phone looks at me and mocks me. I will still get up every morning and keep on keeping on. Whatever they say, one thing is for sure. I have already decided that whatever they say, positive or negative, it is not getting the best of me and it is not going to stop me.
Docs, bring it.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Dr. Hermes, MD
I hate going to the doctor. Why? Because I put it off and put it off and when I finally go, I get the lecture about how I should have come in sooner. Why didn't I come in sooner? See above...
I can't see the purpose until limbs start falling off and the duct tape is just not holding anymore. I have to get to the point where my body finally says, "Yeah, you are done. Dropping in 3...2...1... *thud*
That is my body's way of telling me that I need help. That is also Hermes' way of telling me that I need help. You know, "I will show you the way to this place so I don't have to show you the way to the other place..." He is the Trickster also, a god good at putting others in their place and reminding others of where their place is... Listen to Him now and stay on this side of the Elysian Fields, or ignore him and He will personally escort you home.
So, now, we wait. Ironic, really. They help guide me to finally going to the Doctor, where I have to wait for my results, but none of them are really known for their patience. Thanks, guys.
I can't see the purpose until limbs start falling off and the duct tape is just not holding anymore. I have to get to the point where my body finally says, "Yeah, you are done. Dropping in 3...2...1... *thud*
That is my body's way of telling me that I need help. That is also Hermes' way of telling me that I need help. You know, "I will show you the way to this place so I don't have to show you the way to the other place..." He is the Trickster also, a god good at putting others in their place and reminding others of where their place is... Listen to Him now and stay on this side of the Elysian Fields, or ignore him and He will personally escort you home.
So, now, we wait. Ironic, really. They help guide me to finally going to the Doctor, where I have to wait for my results, but none of them are really known for their patience. Thanks, guys.
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