Last night, I had a dream that I was married to Loki. It was the Tom Hiddleston, Avengers Loki, but still, it was Him. He was very kind and a good man, albeit mischievous. He was the way that I always picture Him and the way I pictured him.
The part that made me wonder was if I was me in the dream or if I was Sigyn?
Sigyn means "victorious girl-friend". It is something that I always strive to be, but hey, we are only human. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose...
It is something I have been struggling with a lot lately. I feel like I should be able to be there for everyone and do everything my family needs me to do. I organize this, arrange that, clean this, mend that, don't forget this appointment! I hold the bowl keeping the venom off of my family.
Like Sigyn, there are times that I feel the bowl get too full and the poison drip out. I have mentioned before that I have been going through some medical stuff. My upcoming trip to the rheumatologist has been weighing heavy on my mind and the implications of what I may hear and what effects they will have on my family are always on my mind. You try not to worry too much, but you know, plan for the worst and it won't happen.
I get depressed. I get depressed because I am in constant pain and I can't do all the things I want to. I want to be able to run and play, to clean the house up the way it needs, to be able to go out and hang out with others. I succeed at times, but when it is bad, I stay home and try my best to put on a happy face. When I feel like I can't do what is needed of me, I get depressed again. It is a circle.
Sometimes, when things are good, I am able to hold that bowl high and take the pain away from those I love. I am able to divert the poisons of life for awhile.
It is the times that I feel the tilt starting that worry me. I am also worried that at some point, the bowl will get too heavy for me to hold.
The analogy and the dream came at a perfect time and put some insight into how I have been feeling and what I am going through. I don't talk about it alot to people because I don't want them to worry. But, like when Sigyn moves the bowl, the earth shakes. Maybe I need to let the earth shake a bit at times.
